The NonViolent Communication Process

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication

"Underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and understanding and acknowledging these needs can create a shared basis for connection, cooperation, and more globally—peace. " (Kashtan & Kasthan, p.1.)

Nonviolent Communication was developed by Marshall Rosenberg who taught it to warring tribes, and in war-torn countries, schools, prisons, corporations, as well as healthcare and government agencies and in his private practice. His process has been adopted by thousands of people in more than 100 countries. In the article, Basics of Nonviolent Communication, Kashtan & Kashtan (n.d.) explain, "The language of NVC include two parts: expressing ourselves to others, and empathically hearing others. Both are expressed through four components — observations, feelings, needs, and requests." Here is a brief summary of the 4-part process. I encourage you to read the full article as well as the books recommended on this page. Developing these skills take practice. One of the best ways to do this is working with a partner to try out what you are learning. Using the steps may seem and sound awkward at first. The goal is to use the steps to guide your words and actions and avoid sounding "scripted." The key ingredient is learning how to identify and express feelings and needs in ourselves and others.

Using the NVC Process

I recommends the following books to deepen your understanding and practice of Mindful/NonViolent Communication.

Sofer, Oren J. (2018) Say what you mean: A mindful approach to non violent Communication

Rosenberg, Marshall, (2015). NonViolent Communication: A Language of Life

Click on the button below to view and download summary charts and articles about the Mindful/NonViolent Communication Process.

Mindful/NVC Communication: Helpful Docs

the 4 Steps of Nonviolent Communication

The steps of Nonviolent Communication are used when expressing our feelings and needs to someone else, as well as when we are listening empathically to what someone else is telling us. When we anticipate that a conversation may be difficult, it is best to begin by asking the other person to share their feelings about the situation and respond empathically, before sharing anything about your own feelings. This allows the person to feel heard and they will then be more likely to hear what you want to share with them.

Observation

In this step we describe what we see or hear that has either enriched or not enriched our life. We do so without adding our interpretations, as if we were describing what we saw in a video camera of the action. For example, instead of "You totally ignored me at the party," you might say, "You were not interacting with me at the party." If both parties are clear on the situation to be discussed, this step may not be necessary.

Feelings

State the feeling that you are having—your inner experience instead of words that describe how we are interpreting the other person's actions. Consult the Feelings and Non-Feeling word list to find the best way to describe your feeling. Avoid non-feeling/false feeling words like "disrespected," "neglected," or "overworked." These words are not true feeling words because they blame the other person for your feeling. Try instead to say, "I felt uncomfortable standing by myself."

Needs

Feelings are caused by needs. Needs are universal and are not dependent on the actions of others. Try attaching your feeling to your need, such as, "I felt uncomfortable because I really wanted to participate in the group's conversation," rather than "I felt uncomfortable because you ignored me the whole time."

Requests

Ask clearly for what you want, instead of what you don't want. Avoid making a demand. For example, instead of "Don't ever do that to me again," try saying "Next time, would you try to include me if you notice me standing alone?" When we make a request and receive a "no" response, this opens up opportunity for further dialogue.

Empathy

When listening to others, we demonstrate empathy by guessing their feelings and needs. For example, "It sounds like you were really frustrated. Is that right? Or, "sounds like what mattered most to you was being included." Telling someone what you think they needed may cause them to feel "needy". Avoiding the word "need" may help.

Self-Empathy

Remember to reflect on your own feelings and needs during a conversation or when preparing to have one. Noticing and naming our own feelings and needs silently helps us to choose our next words.

Learn More

Click on the button below to read Kashtan & Kastan's helpful article, Basics of Nonviolent Communication. You'll find similar resources on the Communication Resources page.

Basics of Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg

Marshall Rosenberg, PhD effectively mediated conflicts throughout the world for more than 40 years. His method, Nonviolent Communication, has brought together warring factions as diverse as Irish Catholics and Protestants, Rwandan Hutus and Tutsis, Israelis and Palestinians as well as families and communities in conflict. His method is simply to enable both parties in conflict to listen with empathy to the authentic feelings and needs of the "other" without the need to blame and judge.

Mindful Communication = NVC + 3 Mindful Steps

Oren Sofer: Adding 3 Mindful Steps to NVC

To deepen our skills when using the 4-Step NonViolent Communication Process, Oren Sofer suggests using three foundational steps which provide an overarching framework for skillful communication:

1. Presence: In order to give our full attention to someone you are speaking with, we need to ground ourselves, much like we do when practicing mindfulness. To put aside other thoughts, try focusing some of your attention on an anchor. Practice following your breath, feeling any sensation of gravity in your feet on the floor or the weight of your body on a chair, or noticing the sensations in your hands as they rest on your lap. By "anchoring" yourself in one of these ways before and during the conversation, you discover you can quickly redirect your attention back to what the other person is saying or feeling. Use this helpful skill to stay "present" whenever you feel your mind wandering to other thoughts or planning what you might say next.

2. Intention: Our intention is the motivation for the communication —where we are coming from. We often are driven by impulses to get what we want or make a point. Try instead to "come from curiosity and care." Focus on understanding the other person's feelings and needs, instead of on the outcome of the conversation.

3. Attention: While communicating, we sometimes find ourselves focusing on the other person's faults and making judgments. Listen instead, for what really matters to the other person and to yourself during the conversation. This helps us to create more understanding, collaboration, and problem solving. (Sofer, O. J., 2018, pp. 251-253).

To help you you develop your Mindful/NVC Communication skills, please enjoy Oren Sofer's book: Say what you mean: A mindful approach to nonviolent communication.

You'll also find articles and documents about Mindful Communication on our resource page: "MINDFUL/NVC COMMUNICATION: HELPFUL DOCS."

Study with Oren Sofer

Another helpful way to improve your skills is to take the online courses offered by MindfulSchools.org. Oren Sofer leads the 8 week Mindful Communication Course.

A prerequisite for this course is having formal training in mindfulness practices. If you are a beginner, I recommend taking the Mindfulness Fundamentals Course as a prerequisite to the Communication Course.

All Mindful Schools Courses